SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 22: “Don’t Compare!”
Bs"d
by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz
Another statement that one should just never say:
3. Never compare yourselves to any other couple.
The person that Hashem has introduced and ultimately united you with, is someone who is exactly what you need in order for you to reach your highest level of completeness. Realize that there is no one in the world who is perfect, and if you cite someone else as an example of proper behavior in one certain area, realize that there are other areas that the other individual has to work on, that your partner does not. Therefore, citing selected examples from other couples is only futile, and it is best that you have an understanding amongst yourselves, never to compare yourselves to any other couple.
Comparing to other couples is a natural tendency, especially for a newly-married couple. The natural desire to compare, emanates from the fact that the couple who sets out to build their home has no idea of how the unique balance of their own home should look – other than what they have seen by others. Their point of reference for themselves becomes whatever they have experienced at other people’s homes. Therefore, when a question regarding conduct in the home arises, the couple naturally compares themselves to others whom they have chosen to use as an example.
Comparing, however, carries with it numerous negative implications1, and even worse – it assumes a premise that is really false. The entire expectation for one’s spouse to perform in a way that is similar to someone else – is false.
No Two People Are the Same nor Are Any Two Couples
We know from Torah sources that there are no two people in the world who are the same2. Each and every person has their own unique strengths as well as their own unique weaknesses. Therefore, because each person is different, each couple is also different. The goal of each and every couple is to locate their own unique balance. The ability to reach that balance is acquired over time, by working together through communications and mutual understanding. Each spouse dedicates themselves to contribute from their individual strengths to the collective needs of the couple, in a way where they can both meet each others real needs adequately. Over time, when they both know exactly what acts they need to do for each other in order to properly address all of each others real needs, that is called that they have found their balance. That balance and the behavior patterns that the couple has developed amongst themselves will be unique to that couple, and will be distinct from any other couple in the world.
Therefore, to make any comparison of their own unique balance as a couple to any other couple in the world, is really like trying to compare "apples and oranges" – two different realities. The way that one couple finds their balance and works together, cannot be compared in any way to the way that any other couple in the world finds their balance – no matter how similar they may seem.
Practical Advice
Because of this it is advisable that every couple adopt the practice of not bringing up comparisons to any other couple in the midst of their home. If a comparison rises unintentionally amidst a discussion, it is a good practice to immediately interject: "Let’s remember the rule in that we’ve accepted in our home: We don’t compare ourselves to any other couple" - and then just continue the conversation and try to bridge the issue at hand without the mention of any other couples. "What works best for us is what counts, not what works best for anyone else in the world."
By avoiding making comparisons to other couples or to other individuals, a couple can avoid the negative implications and thus the harmful effects that comparisons can have. All it takes is to be aware of why comparing is so detrimental, and adopting the simple practice of never comparing yourselves to any other couple.
L’Iluy Nishmas Chaya Miriam bas Zev Halevi a"h
- One who compares, implicitly relates the message to his spouse of not being "good enough". In addition, he creates a subconscious pressure upon his spouse to now have to perform as well as the person who was cited as an example. He also causes his spouse to feel that now they are under constant scrutiny and are being judged for how they perform. These implications and created pressures, are extremely detrimental to achieving Shalom Bayis. ↩
- "Their understandings are not similar one to another, (just like) their faces are not similar one to another" (Brochos 58a). From deeper sources it is clear, that each person has their own Shoresh Neshama and their own unique kochos and abilities that Hashem has imbued them with innately, as distinct from any other person in the world (See also Alei Shur, Chelek Alef, p. 146). ↩
One Response to “SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 22: “Don’t Compare!””
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Another tremendous insight!
These time tested aitzas ring true and bring clarity to a much discussed, yet very misunderstood topic- marriage.