SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 23: What Yes To Say

 Bs"d

by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz

There are certain expressions that a couple should actively train themselves to use, that are extremely helpful in terms of building Shalom Bayis.

1. Anytime after you are married and you speak with a third person about your spouse, try not to use the words "he" or "she". Instead, use the words "my husband" or "my wife".

Using a third-person pronoun creates a distance between the speaker and the person being spoken about; in marriage, on the contrary, you are trying to minimize the distance and to develop what more closeness. You want to instill into your consciousness the reality that you are now actually married and that this is "your husband" or "your wife", and not relate to them as if they are just another person without any definition or title. Training yourself to use these references in conversation – even though at the beginning it may feel awkward – is a valuable tool to inculcate into yourself the reality and responsibility of building a most sacred relationship.

2. Whenever someone asks you what you are planning to do or how you are going to do it, train yourself to answer with the word "We": "We were planning", or "We still need to discuss what we’re going to do".

Beginning to view your life together as one entity is a large step toward building the relationship to the level that you are looking to build it to. When others ask you in the singular: "Can you come to a little gathering on Thursday night?", or "Can I come over to your house for a meal?" the tendency from the state of having been single is to offer an immediate answer based upon your personal considerations alone. But since you are now trying to view your life together with your spouse as one entity, try to resist that tendency and answer instead: "Let me check what we were planning to do Thursday night", or "I will let you know once we talk about it". This gives you and the others around you the sense that you really are married, and that now decisions are not made anymore by each individual but by the entity of the couple as a whole.

There is no "just me" anymore.

Sacrificing Unilateral Independence to Gain the Unified Strength of a Couple

This might feel like a "step down" for a person. He might think: "Initially I was so independent – I could do whatever I wanted and I didn’t have to ask anyone – and now I have to discuss everything I want to do with my spouse." In reality, though, this is a huge step up for a person.

Real greatness, is when a person can grow and extend himself to include others and relate to their needs – whether it be those of a husband/wife, children, students, or community – rather than to remain focused perpetually just on those needs that are his own¹. Training oneself to be in this mindset means to constantly practice bearing the responsibilities of life together – to share in times of triumph, times of disappointment, and to share in making decisions. The unified strength that each partner gains from doing so, proves over time – with Hashem’s help – to be exponentially greater than that of any single individual: it awards each partner the internal capacity to withstand the pressures of most any situation in the world, and to emerge from them successfully and admirably.

L’Iluy Nishmas Chaya Miriam bas Zev Halevi a"h

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