SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 25: Make Hashem A Partner
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by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz
As with every aspect in our daily lives, we need to constantly pray and to entreat Hashem that we be zoche to Shalom Bayis.
When there exists good communication between the parents, the first step toward good chinuch for children, im yirtze Hashem, has already been taken.
If the two people are connected to Hashem and are connected to each other on a real level, there are no stress situations in the world that can shake them.
This is the marriage which is likened by Chazal to a small "Beis Hamikdash" – to a Mikdash Me’ot.
L’Iluy Nishmas Chaya Miriam bas Zev Halevi a"h
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SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 24: How to Deal with Source Problems
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by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz
By keeping open and healthy communication lines, and by being aware of certain intrinsic differences that exist between the needs of men and women, we now have B’ezras Hashem valuable tools to bridge the gaps when they surface, and to thus be zoche to the most Endeared Quality Unto Hashem: Shalom Bayis.
If there ever are source problems that arise, chas v’shalom, make sure to seek advice from spiritual and professional guidance sources what sooner.
It is also important not to involve too many other people. It is best to receive guidance from only one or two other sources. Experience has proven, that when there are more people involved, the more place there is for confusion to set in, chas v’shalom.
By seeking guidance what sooner, and by not publicizing their personal issues and challenges, a couple thus gives themselves the best chance possible to work through their issues – even though they may seem overwhelmingly deep. Even at times when it may seem close to impossible, if a couple guards their private information appropriately and they gear it only toward those individuals who are equipped to deal with the situation in a professional way, they then give themselves the best chance possible to merit the ability to bridge their gaps, and to ultimately achieve for themselves Shalom Bayis.
L’Iluy Nishmas Chaya Miriam bas Zev Halevi a"h
Filed under Shalom Bayis Series | Comment (0)SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 23: What Yes To Say
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by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz
There are certain expressions that a couple should actively train themselves to use, that are extremely helpful in terms of building Shalom Bayis.
1. Anytime after you are married and you speak with a third person about your spouse, try not to use the words "he" or "she". Instead, use the words "my husband" or "my wife".
Using a third-person pronoun creates a distance between the speaker and the person being spoken about; in marriage, on the contrary, you are trying to minimize the distance and to develop what more closeness. You want to instill into your consciousness the reality that you are now actually married and that this is "your husband" or "your wife", and not relate to them as if they are just another person without any definition or title. Training yourself to use these references in conversation – even though at the beginning it may feel awkward – is a valuable tool to inculcate into yourself the reality and responsibility of building a most sacred relationship.
Filed under Shalom Bayis Series | Comment (0)SHALOM BAYIS SERIES – 22: “Don’t Compare!”
Bs"d
by Rabbi Nachum Chaimowitz
Another statement that one should just never say:
3. Never compare yourselves to any other couple.
The person that Hashem has introduced and ultimately united you with, is someone who is exactly what you need in order for you to reach your highest level of completeness. Realize that there is no one in the world who is perfect, and if you cite someone else as an example of proper behavior in one certain area, realize that there are other areas that the other individual has to work on, that your partner does not. Therefore, citing selected examples from other couples is only futile, and it is best that you have an understanding amongst yourselves, never to compare yourselves to any other couple.
Comparing to other couples is a natural tendency, especially for a newly-married couple. The natural desire to compare, emanates from the fact that the couple who sets out to build their home has no idea of how the unique balance of their own home should look – other than what they have seen by others. Their point of reference for themselves becomes whatever they have experienced at other people’s homes. Therefore, when a question regarding conduct in the home arises, the couple naturally compares themselves to others whom they have chosen to use as an example.
Comparing, however, carries with it numerous negative implications1, and even worse – it assumes a premise that is really false. The entire expectation for one’s spouse to perform in a way that is similar to someone else – is false.
- One who compares, implicitly relates the message to his spouse of not being "good enough". In addition, he creates a subconscious pressure upon his spouse to now have to perform as well as the person who was cited as an example. He also causes his spouse to feel that now they are under constant scrutiny and are being judged for how they perform. These implications and created pressures, are extremely detrimental to achieving Shalom Bayis. ↩